Dear Cockroaches,
We had a bargain.
You were supposed to stay out of sight. Wait until all humans in the apartment were completely asleep. Not just in the back bedroom for a bit, scrolling through Facebook, liable to stumble back into the kitchen and flick on the light to get one last drink of water (or one more Orion pie) before bed.
Only when the humans were solidly out for the night could you come out from all the cracks and crevices and do whatever nasty business you do while we are unconscious. Then, like vampires or Minecraft hostile mobs, you need to scurry back to your dark and devilish hiding places before the sun rises. More accurately, before my husband’s phone alarm goes off, which is sometimes before daybreak. Just giving you fair warning.
And what is our part of the deal?
Well, provided you stay out of sight, we pretend you don’t exist. Yes, that’s right. We lie to ourselves that our apartment is, unlike the other gazillion apartments in this country, totally roach-free. That means, dear arthropods, that we will not bug bomb, or spray, or otherwise go after you aggressively. We will let you live and multiply in peace inside the safety of our uninsulated concrete walls. Seems like a good deal, right?
Sadly, the deal has been violated.
Yes, one of your blattodean brethren was RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. IN DAYLIGHT. I walked into the dining room and THERE HE WAS. And, I might add, he didn’t even do a good job of scurrying when I encountered him. (You might want to put some better thought into training the new recruits.)
So, this is your warning.
That guy got the shoe, which was his Darwin Award for being an idiot.
But, I want you to know that there is a full can of Raid on the back balcony, and I will use it. I will blow past every non-toxic, ecologically friendly, homegrown pest control Pin out there and go straight for the big guns. Gun. Whatever. Because I know how you Chinese cockroaches are, and I can’t get Borax here anyway.
Are we clear? Cool. I’m glad we had this little talk. I’ll get back to blithely enjoying social media and nighttime snacks, and you can get back to the peace and harmony of your horrible colony…as long as you stay in the dark.
Cheers!
September 16, 2015 at 11:20 pm
And to think I handled their Madagascar hissing and bat cave brethren with kindness and respect when I had to show them to kids at the Zoo. What ingratitude!
September 17, 2015 at 9:25 am
Ha ha!
September 17, 2015 at 12:14 am
Oh boy, I feel your pain. I’m about to unleash Borax on the ant multitudes that invaded when they found out we moved in. You can get it on Taobao. It’s called pengsha, 硼砂. It’s an important ingredient in Lanzhou Lamian. I was so surprised when my friend saw me ordering that and asked what it was for and then she said it was a cooking ingredient here. I bet you could go to a Lanzhou Lamian restaurant and ask them to please sell you some.
September 17, 2015 at 8:09 am
April, thank you so much for this tip and the 汉字！ I just looked on Taobao, and yes, it is plentiful. I think I remember hearing years ago that they put Borax in lamian, but I thought it was one of those food safety scandals, like the melamine in milk.
September 18, 2015 at 12:34 pm
adorable. So enjoyable
September 18, 2015 at 2:14 pm
Thanks, Sharon. Not enjoyable to live through, but at least we can look back and laugh. 🙂
September 28, 2015 at 4:28 pm
This is so funny! I literally rolled on the floor laughing after reading this! I’m really scared of cockroaches but, at the same time, I don’t want to kill them. Because they’re still insects. I guess I should have an agreement with them as well.
September 28, 2015 at 5:14 pm
Thanks, Tina! They’ve been behaving better since I issued that warning letter, so yeah, I think an agreement might work for you, too. 😉
January 6, 2016 at 9:50 am
This made my day. I think they were very terrorized by what happened and maybe they also spread the news on every rats and spiders who wants to creep out during night time. Ha ha.
January 6, 2016 at 10:22 am
Yes, let’s hope all vermin learn a lesson from the squished cockroach!
January 6, 2016 at 11:40 am
Hey, I had to treat their cousins nicely when I showed them at the Zoo. If I’d squished one I would have been fired! Go figure…
January 6, 2016 at 3:28 pm
On display at a zoo is one thing, in my kitchen is another. 🙂
January 6, 2016 at 10:16 pm
Yes indeed. My reply was in jest- I hated picking them up! Yuck!!!!! Your shoe was the proper language, which shows you’re truly a linguist.
June 1, 2016 at 8:13 am
I just have to tell you about this Japanese roach poison I got on Taobao. A friend recommended it, and it’s been 2 weeks since I put it out and I see almost no live roaches. For a while after I put it out I was finding dead ones all the time. I mean, before this, I had so many roaches, and they were brazen enough to wander out in broad daylight. I had one die in the display of my bread machine somewhere between the time I set it to go, and 2 hours later when it finished, and another died in butter I put out to soften while I took the kids to the pool. And something else happened, which I didn’t expect, and that is that all the ants disappeared, as well. Here’s the name – 日本 小黑帽小林制药蟑螂屋灭蟑螂药安全环保无毒无味无刺激12枚. I think it’s just a borax solution but however they mix it up makes it super effective and desirable to roaches and ants alike. I’m ordering another set to put all over the rest of my house. But prepare yourself for finding a lot of dead bodies in the next couple of weeks.
June 1, 2016 at 7:07 pm
Thank you so much! I just ordered a pack. Our roach and pest problems are nowhere near as bad as what you’re facing (IN THE BUTTER?!?) but still.