Dear Cockroaches,

We had a bargain.

cockroach-15093_1280You were supposed to stay out of sight. Wait until all humans in the apartment were completely asleep. Not just in the back bedroom for a bit, scrolling through Facebook, liable to stumble back into the kitchen and flick on the light to get one last drink of water (or one more Orion pie) before bed.

Only when the humans were solidly out for the night could you come out from all the cracks and crevices and do whatever nasty business you do while we are unconscious. Then, like vampires or Minecraft hostile mobs, you need to scurry back to your dark and devilish hiding places before the sun rises. More accurately, before my husband’s phone alarm goes off, which is sometimes before daybreak. Just giving you fair warning.

And what is our part of the deal?

Well, provided you stay out of sight, we pretend you don’t exist. Yes, that’s right. We lie to ourselves that our apartment is, unlike the other gazillion apartments in this country, totally roach-free. That means, dear arthropods, that we will not bug bomb, or spray, or otherwise go after you aggressively. We will let you live and multiply in peace inside the safety of our uninsulated concrete walls. Seems like a good deal, right?

Sadly, the deal has been violated.

Yes, one of your blattodean brethren was RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. IN DAYLIGHT. I walked into the dining room and THERE HE WAS. And, I might add, he didn’t even do a good job of scurrying when I encountered him. (You might want to put some better thought into training the new recruits.)

So, this is your warning.

That guy got the shoe, which was his Darwin Award for being an idiot.

But, I want you to know that there is a full can of Raid on the back balcony, and I will use it. I will blow past every non-toxic, ecologically friendly, homegrown pest control Pin out there and go straight for the big guns. Gun. Whatever. Because I know how you Chinese cockroaches are, and I can’t get Borax here anyway.

Are we clear? Cool. I’m glad we had this little talk. I’ll get back to blithely enjoying social media and nighttime snacks, and you can get back to the peace and harmony of your horrible colony…as long as you stay in the dark.


The Great Ant Invasion: Day IV

Life on the 2nd floor

9 Noises that Wake You in China